


The Support Group

by Clexaprecious



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Angst, Artist Clarke, Cancer, Clarke, Clarke Griffin - Freeform, Clexa, Drunk Lexa, F/F, Fine Stud Lexa, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Gay, Protective Lexa, Sick Clarke, Slow Burn, Smut, Support Group, The 100 - Freeform, clexa au, f/f - Freeform, lexa - Freeform, lexa woods - Freeform, neglected lexa, or maybe not, rated M for future chapters, soccer lexa, sporty lexa, supportive Lexa
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-08-06
Updated: 2018-10-19
Packaged: 2018-12-12 01:34:56
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 21,431
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11726754
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Clexaprecious/pseuds/Clexaprecious
Summary: Lexa is forced to go to her fathers support group for sick young people and meets cancer sick Clarke. Clarke has given up living a normal life and doesn't live her life to the fullest, Lexa is about to change that.Expect a lot of fluff and angst. Rated M for future chapters.The story is better than the summary.





	1. Meeting

**Author's Note:**

> I'm publishing the first chapter, and will continue to post chapters if you all like it and want to read more of the story. So please let me know.  
> Remember to leave a comment to give me an idea whether or not I should continue to post new chapters. Kudos are very appreciated!

“We are leaving now!” Lexa’s father yelled from the kitchen as he picked up his keys from the bowl on the kitchen counter, only to receive a loud groan from the brunette girl. She really didn’t want to go.

She REALLY didn’t, but she knew she had to. Lexa used to live with her mother in a very small apartment in Seattle, but her mother was no longer capable of taking care of Lexa. If Lexa had to be honest, her mother was never really capable of taking care of her. She kept telling herself that she really didn’t care about her mother going out and come home drunk in the early morning. She could stay home from school because her mother would go to bed as soon as she came home so her mother wouldn’t notice. To be honest, she probably wouldn’t care anyway, but she was growing tired of the many assholes her mother kept taking home.

The authorities decided that it was no longer tolerable to let Lexa live with her mother despite Lexa’s protest. For her it was just about being independent and free. However, Lexa had to realize, that she had no choice, and as she was underaged she was moved to live with her father in Staten Island.

Moving to her fathers place meant that she was no more independent, and she was not as free as she would like to be. She had to be honest, that she liked being somewhere where someone actually cared for her and provided her something that she had missed her whole life – a home. Sure she had a place to be with her mother, but it just never felt like home. Though she never really had a real relationship with her father, she still tried, and that was all that mattered.  
She were forced to attend school 5 times a week no matter how much she wanted to just stay at home and watch whatever marathon there had to be on the TV. She had to adapt living a very different and more structured life.

One week happened to be different from the rest. It was monday, and Lexa was going with her father to work. No it was not one of those “take your children to work days”, but instead it was for a program at her high school, that she was forced to join. She was forced to join because the authorities thought that Lexa lacked a lot of experience and what so ever after living in the environment her mother made her live in. Lexa just found it stupid. She never thought that the way she lived affected her in any way. The only motivation was the free scholarship they provided. Probably some way to earn up for the guilt they have for not doing anything about Lexa’s situation.

The program she was forced to join was all about preparing the students for the life after school. School can give the students tests after tests and stress them with exams, but they never prepare the students for the biggest test of them all which is surviving the society and be able to function on a workplace. That was what the program provided, it provided all that, that the rest of the education system could not provide for the students.

The reason why Lexa had to go with her father to work was because the program had a project where they had to apply for a real job and work for a week to get a glimpse into how its like to be on a real working space, and after that week they had to prepare a presentation to the rest of the class about what they learned from the experience. Lexa as always was too late finding a job for the week and was therefore forced to go with her father to work.

Lexa’s father worked in a support group. The support group was for teenagers suffering from any kind of cancer. The support group presented information, taught coping skills and provided comfort and a safe space for the teenagers to share their experiences and common concerns and emotional support. Lexa was never really the emotional type, and was often seen as tough and thick skinned, and she was therefore not very pleased with having to listen to feelings and emotions coming from people her age for a whole week. She herself liked to deal with her problems on her own and on her own terms and thought people should do the same. The good thing by choosing to go to her father to work was that the support group was only happening a few hours in the afternoon 5 days a week. She had a chance to sleep in, and could party in the weekends. She would also have time to practice a lot extra for her the big high school soccer championship that was coming up.

The support group was of course not the only job her father had as he was a volunteer. He worked as a CEO of a corporation that Lexa didn’t bother to put much more mind into, other than knowing that he earned just enough money compared to the barely enough money her mom provided. It was more like little to none. Something Lexa wasn’t used to from where she lived with her mother. There was not really anything for Lexa to do at the corporation, so the support group was the only option left. Lexa believed that the reason why her father volunteered was to gain some kind of meaning in his life.

Lexa walked down the stairs of the apartment to greet her father as they walked out the door and took the stairs to the parking lot.  
“Where do you think you’re going, Alexandria?” Her father asked as she walked the opposite direction of her fathers car.

“its.. just.. just call me Lexa, Gustus, I’m taking my motorbike” she said as if he should have expected that.

“Why? We are going the same place, why bring two vehicles?” Lexa’s father asked confused as he scratched his neck.

“The support group ends at 6 pm right?” Lexa asked with a smirk.

“Yes, it does?” Her father said more confused.

“And you are always home at about 8 pm, am I right?” Lexa asked.

“Well, yes, you are right… again, but I still don’t get what it has to do with you not driving with me” He answered growing tired of the whole situation, wondering why Lexa always had to take so long to get her points through.

“It only takes 15 minutes to get home, I’m not going to wait 2 hours for whatever it is that you are doing after the support group…” Lexa said sternly.  
“Lexa, I’m not doing whatever after the support group. I’m still at the support group afterwards, I’m talking to those who need to. Those kids have a lot on their minds and hearts, and sometimes they need extra time to talk it through so does the people that care for them” He answered even more sternly than Lexa had.

Lexa was speechless, she didn’t want to offend her father for the great work he was doing. She just didn’t like talking feelings or anything, and the support group was already more than enough.  
“Im sorry dad, I didn’t mean to-“ she tried as her father interrupted her

“I know Alex- I mean, Lexa, I know you don’t, just be a little understanding, at least this week. Just take your bike, I get it, I’m just thankful you chose to join me on the support group this week. You are doing great” He said giving Lexa’s shoulder a squeeze before he gave her a smile and turned his back to her as he walked to his car leaving Lexa to process what he just said.

He knew. He knew where she came from, and knew that her life with her mother has affected her. Making her deal with stuff alone that most people would share with others. He knew more than anyone else that people cope with things differently and that there is no wrong way to do things, but that it is possible that some ways are healthier than other.

Lexa shook it all off and went to start the engine of her motorcycle before driving to the support group following her father to lead the way.

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

As they arrived at the support they were the first there. After some time a few people had arrived and was sitting in a circle on chairs facing the center of the circle. Lexa decided to sit beside her father on his right as the last support group members started to arrive.

As they all sat down in the circle, everyone took turns in saying their name and the reason for them to attend the support group starting from the person sitting on her fathers left side. There was a lot of tension in the room. Lexa would describe the atmosphere as very heavy and oppressed as she had to listen to all the sick teenagers around her age talking about dealing with the fact that they might never have a future.

Lexa found it rather hard to focus on listening and started to think about her big soccer game the next week and how she was going to make her team go through to the finals. The importance of the game was more special for Lexa than any of the other team players. The potential of people regonizing her talent and giving her a scholarship was essential for her future. Her grades were not great, so they wouldn't get her into any college. She never really engaged in school. She had always had a hard time focusing for more than 5 minutes unless it involved soccer. School never fueled her drive, she never really followed the teachers instructions and always had her own way with things.  
Lexa found it hard to focus until a blue eyed blonde goddess started to introduce herself, and Lexa found herself in awe. For once she listened, and god did the gay just burst inside her;

“Hey, I’m Clarke Griffin, and I suffer from liver and intrahepatic bile duct cancer…” She said as she tried to look at everyone at once. Lexa felt like Clarkes gaze lingered a while on hers when she said the next words; “…but beside that, I’m just trying to make the best out of my last time here on planet earth, even though i surely fail at that part” she said with a faint smile on her face.  
Lexa couldn’t think straight, all she could think was gay gay gay. She had “listened” to the others introduce themselves, but Clarke, she was so cheery and lightheaded about the situation she was currently put in. And she was dying? That was something Lexa couldn’t bare to think about. She felt a strange knot in her stomach that she didn’t recon feeling for a long time. Everything suddenly seemed unfair. She didn’t want to think about it, she didn’t want to hear more about what this beautiful soul had to go through.

Lexa studied Clarke for the rest of the session, feeling weird things whenever they occasionally glanced at each other. Either by accident or by luck. Lexa didn’t know, but what she knew was that she needed to know more about this Clarke. When all the teenagers had introduced themselves, she felt Clarkes eyes on her more often than she thought could be called by accident or luck for that sake. Suddenly Clarke spoke;

“Why are you here?” Clarke asked looking expectantly towards a confused Lexa.

“Me?” Lexa asked dumbfounded. She was not a part of the support group, she was just observing, and it suddenly hit her, that she hadn’t introduced herself yet as the daughter of the guy who ran the support group.

“Yeah, what are your reasons to be here? I wanna know” Clarke said.

“Well, umm” Lexa stammered “I’m here with my father, he runs this support group” Lexa answered.

“So… you don’t suffer from any sort of disorder?” Clarke questioned.

“Nope” Lexa said with a slight confidence but still with a humble attitude.

“Do you fear getting sick? Like us?” Clarke asked with a serious attitude that Lexa was a bit uncomfortable with. How was she going to answer this? To this very moment, Lexa had never thought about getting sick, like very sick, like to the point where you accept the fact that you might be dying. She didn’t like these sort of questions. Those questions that are too personal, those who gets under your skin, but she was there, and in a situation, she just couldn’t hide from as she usually did. So she answered, and hell was she making the situation more uncomfortable?

“I don’t really fear anything” was her answer. As she answered she was shaking her head slowly while slightly leaning back in her chair as she really tried to consider any fear she might have or have had. Seemingly with no luck as Clarke continued.

“Liar!” Clarke laughed making Lexa switch in her chair. “I mean there has to be something, we all fear something. I don’t believe you” she continued while staring deep into her soul as if trying to suck out her soul. Which she also kind of did, at least Lexa felt like that was the feeling she had when Clarke looked at her so intensely.  
Lexa tried to consider her question again.

“I fear oblivion” she suddenly answered.

“So you fear that you just suddenly will forget everything? Clarkes asked confused but without any judgement.

Lexa sort of liked seeing Clarke confused like that, but she decided to explain herself further.

“Not quite” she said. “What I mean is that there will come a time when all of us are dead. All of us. There will come a time when there are no human beings remaining to remember that anyone ever existed or that our species ever did anything,” Lexa replied. “and that’s what I fear” Lexa finished.  
This really got Clarke thinking, and she soon replied.

“If the inevitability of human oblivion really is idealistic, then I’m not sure I understand. I mean one is born every minute, your generation will remember you. If not this generation, then the next. What I’m saying is that there will always be people on this planet to remember those who once left it” Clarke said. “Just like dinosaurs” Clarke continued as a matter of fact.

Lexa was confused. What did the human oblivion have anything to do with dinosaurs? Lexa shaked herself out of thought, and decided that Clarke just didn’t get what she meant, and that there was no reason to continue to try and explain herself. At least not right now in the middle of her father’s support group filled with people. People she just now noticed and remembered all was there as she had long forgot after laying her eyes on the blonde.

“You don’t have to understand others fears, that’s often what makes them fears. You can’t share everything with everyone. You don’t have to, and you shouldn’t” she said sternly. “People won’t understand even though they act like they do…” Lexa said but was interrupted by Clarke;

“Just like people act like they care…” Clarke said as if this was something she had experienced. Something that bothered her and she was realizing just what things were like. “I think I understand…”. Lexa flinched at the vibe Clarke was giving as she said it. Lexa felt a sense of guilt for putting Clarke in this situation. Lexa knew Clarke felt something, and it was not her intention.

Lexa decided to stop the silence and turned the question around in an attempt to put Clarke out of the dark place she was currently stuck in with Lexa’s explanation.  
“What do you fear?” Lexa asked curiously.

“To die unhappy” Clarke answered blankly.

Lexa felt the vibe again. She had forgot, that she was talking with very ill people, some of them were dying. She never wanted to label anyone as anything, she would never treat people differently no matter their situation. Lexa was a good person, she was just very bad at showing it because life had never treated her well. This was just not the right situation to bring such deep things up, as she is not a part of any of this. She is not sick. She is not dying. She is just living. This support group was of course there to talk about deeper things, but Lexa still felt like she got it wrong.

“Well I think that’s enough from now, Clarke and Lexa” Lexa’s father interrupted, and Lexa was relieved that this was now over.  
Though something still stirred in her when he said, “Clarke and Lexa”. To her that sounded good, but she just didn’t know exactly why yet.


	2. What do you love?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for all the feedback! It means a lot you like this story, so here is the next chapter, enjoy!!  
> Please let me know what you think.

Lexa didn’t say a word for the rest of the time at the support group. When the support group ended Lexa wanted to go talk to Clarke, she wanted to know even more about her. She just didn’t know what to talk with her about. She thought that maybe she had already talked too much, and she didn’t really know how Clarke felt about the whole encounter they had during the support group. Maybe she had said enough, or she might just be a giant coward.

Either way she remained seated as everyone left their seat when her father called it a day as everyone stayed silent when he asked if anyone had more to share. The teenagers started to leave the room but Clarke and a few others remained. Lexa wanted to leave as well and went to tell her father, when she saw that him and Clarke were talking. She didn’t want to interrupt and eventually having to face Clarke. She wanted to, but not right now. She tried to wave to her father, and he noticed. Both Clarke and her father looked at Lexa and she received a wave from her father and a soft genuine smile from Clarke and what seemed to be a small nod.

Lexa left and rode home with Clarke in her thoughts all the way home. Soon her father came home and they sat down to eat dinner. They didn’t say much, but her father asked her about how she liked being at the support group. Lexa didn’t say much. All she wanted to talk about at the support group was Clarke. Though who were Lexa to make her father spill the tea about Clarke? She didn’t know, but hell she didn’t care, so she asked.

“How long have that Clarke girl been at the support group?” She asked as she took a bite of her quinoa salad.

“Griffin? Well I don’t recall, honestly I don’t think she really wants to be there, why?” He said curiously.

“Nothing, just asking” Lexa replied and only looked at him as she said; “She just seemed quite content with being in her situation. You know… dying” She had a hard time saying the last part.

“Well for what I know she has been sick a long time, so I guess she has just kind of come to a point where she just kind of accept it. I don’t know” he said.

“Accepted death?” Lexa said with a sigh. She didn’t know if it was a question or just a statement. They exchanged a look and they stayed silent for a few long moments before Lexa decided to break the silence.

“Today was great, dad. Just wanted to let you know. I enjoyed it… without enjoying it, if that makes any sense” Lexa said.

“It makes sense, and thank you, I’m glad you get to see a part my life” He said as they both exchanged an understanding smile.

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

Lexa actually looked forward going to the support school again the next day. She was excited to see Clarke, and hoped Clarke would be there. Of course, she would, why wouldn’t she?

Lexa arrived at the support group on her motorcycle, and as she entered the room, she saw no sign of Clarke. Lexa started to lightly panic. Lexa couldn’t bear to think about that something could have happened to Clarke. Something bad. She felt stupid, so stupid for caring for a girl she had only met once, if you could even call their encounter meeting each other. But she did, she cared.

You could easily tell Lexa panicked just looking at her pale and sweaty face, and so could Clarke as she entered the room, with a smirk on her face as she made eye contact with Lexa.

“You okay? Did you just run a marathon or see a ghost?” Clarke giggled as she seated herself in the circle. She looked like she didn’t expect an answer from Lexa. She just kind of wanted to make a statement, like she already knew how awkward a person Lexa could be about pretty girls.

Lexa went numb. She was pleased that Clarke didn’t look at her more, that she just sat herself down and didn’t expect a moment of small talk. Lexa knew this way she wouldn’t say anything stupid and make it all more awkward.

When the support group ended, Lexa saw Clarke leave the room, but Lexa didn’t move at all. She really wanted to talk to Clarke, but she just didn’t have the courage. She sat there for nearly 15 minutes before she decided that It was stupid, and went outside only to find Clarke standing there. Her eyes switched between looking at her phone and the parking lot as if she was waiting for someone. Lexa had surprisingly finally gained some courage to talk to Clarke after staying silent at the support group.

“Who are you waiting for?” She asked.

“Oh hi, well I’m waiting for a ride home” She replied.

“You have waited here for nearly 15 minutes, how long can it possibly take?” Lexa asked confused.

“He is usually faster” She replied. “He” was all Lexa heard. Was “he” her boyfriend? She hoped not, maybe just a brother or her father.

“He probably bailed me again, I guess I’m getting used to it by now” She continued, with a sad laugh. A laugh that made Lexa both cringe and her heart break. That could not be her father or brother. Okay maybe a brother, but how would Lexa know, she didn’t have a brother.

“Getting used to it? Being bailed? Man, that sounds awful” Lexa said with disgust. Who would bail someone like Clarke?

“That’s kind of what happens when you are dying and people start to act like they care, but in reality, they just feel sorry for you. That’s why they try to do sweet things, like offering to pick you up from support group, and yeah, then they bail because they get reminded that you are dying, and don’t want to get too attached to you…” Clarke rambled only having eye contact with the parking lot the whole time. She was only interrupted by a buzzing of the phone in her hand;

“Well, yeah, as I said, I got bailed. Great, just great” Clarke said frustrated after reading the text, running a hand through her blonde hair.

“I, I’m sor…” Lexa tried, not knowing what to say or do. Just standing feeling the most useless she had ever felt.

“No no, I’m the one who is sorry. Sorry for being too personal, and involving you in this shit life of mine” Clarke quickly said.

“I’m sorry” Clarke said again as she turned her head to look at Lexa. Blue met green, and Lexa felt something, and she was sure Clarke did too. She could see it in her eyes, at least that’s what she told herself.

“I can give you a ride home” Lexa said. “… If you want me to” Lexa continued as she tried to make Clarke not feel obligated to accept her offer, and not sound like one of those people who felt sorry for her. Lexa did feel sorry for her, she thought it was unfair, but she tried not to show.

“Are you sure? You barely know me, and I don’t want to be a pain in the ass” Clarke said.

“Well this is an opportunity for me to get to know you, and besides that, aren’t you the one who should be the most worried not knowing me? I mean it’s me offering you a ride home. I could be a serial killer” Lexa said with her smirk. Which she was famous for, the so called Lexa smirk, that no girl could resist. Clarke noticed, and her legs felt a little weak.

“Sure thing, there’s always that possibility” Clarke said with a little giggle “… but at least you want to have anything to do with me, and that’s rare” Clarke said as she tried to hide her pain with a smile. Lexa saw right through her, but said nothing. Now wasn’t the time.

“Well my ride is over there” Lexa said as she pointed towards her motorcycle at the parking lot.

“NO WAY! You have a motorcycle?” Lexa nodded with the same smirk as just 1 min ago. “That’s so cool” Clarke said in awe.

“I have never been on one of those before, that’s like a dream” Clarke said even more excited.

“Well then I guess today is your lucky day” Lexa said, leading Clarke towards the bike.

“I´m so pumped about this, omg” Clarke continued as she stroked her hands against the hard surface of the bike, as if testing if it really were real and not just a part of her imagination.

Lexa only smiled and helped Clarke put on her helmet. She already had an extra so she was prepared if she had to pick someone up. So she was prepared for unexpected situations like this.

Lexa put her own helmet on and sat on her bike signaling for Clarke to do the same. So Clarke sat herself behind Lexa and Lexa immediately felt the warmth of Clarke on her back. She could really get used to this warmth. Lexa took a big breath to gather herself again and tried to focus on the bike and not Clarke.

“Just hold on tight. Are you ready?” Lexa asked.

“I have never been readier for anything in my life, than I am in this very moment” She replied.

That was all it took for Lexa to hit the engine and drive to wherever Clarke instructed her.

As they arrived at Clarkes home, Lexa stood off the bike, and helped Clarke with taking off the helmet. Lexa noticed that the lights were out in the house and that there were no cars outside of it.

“Aren’t anyone home?” Lexa asked.

“Rarely” Clarke answered with a sight while getting off the bike with a little help from Lexa.

“Your parents aren’t normally home at this time of the evening?” Lexa asked out of curiosity.

“My mom works a lot. She’s a doctor, and she often take graveyard shifts to make a living and pay my medicine and treatment” Clarke replied.

“How about your dad?” Lexa asked.

“umm… well he’s not around” Clarke replied quickly, avoiding the question. Lexa sensed it was a topic she would rather ignore and Lexa decided to leave it there, not wanting to push Clarke into telling her something that was not even her business in the first place.

“Do you wanna come in for a moment. If that’s not too creepy, like offering me a ride home” Clarke asked with a wink.

“Then I can offer you something to drink or eat as a thank you for your kind offer” Clarke continued.

“Sure, I did love to” Lexa answered with a smile.

Lexa parked her bike and they both went inside.

As they went inside Clarke offered her a seat on the couch. Lexa looked around the living room. It was small and dark, but it felt nice, it felt like home. But how would Lexa know what home was supposed to feel like, she never had a place to really call home, at least not a place that felt like home. Her thoughts were soon interrupted by Clarke.

“Are you hungry? Thirsty?” Clarke asked as she disappeared in the kitchen.

“Yeah, something to drink would be great” Lexa answered.

Clarke returned a moment after with two glasses of orange juice and handed one of them to Lexa.

“I hope you like orange juice, that’s all we have besides water” Clarke said.

“It’s my favorite, thank you” Lexa replied as Clarke sat down beside her.

“So, for how long have you been at the support group?” Lexa asked.

“Probably a year and a half. On and off” Clarke answered taking a sip of her juice.

“It was my mom’s idea. After my dad passed away almost 2 years ago, my mom thought that it would be a good idea to attend the support group. She would have to work a lot more than she used to, to earn enough money to live for and for my treatment, which meant I would be a lot alone” Clarke answered. Lexa felt something inside her when she mentioned her father’s death, she could see on Clarkes face as she said it, that it still was a very sensitive subject, and she decided to stay quiet and just continue listening to Clarkes words.

“It was fine in the beginning, You know being alone, but my mom started to notice that I was alone with my own thoughts too much and that it started to affect me. She then thought it would be a good idea to talk to other people in the same position as I’m in and get those thoughts out” Clarke continued.

“I mean her intention was good, her intention is good. She is great, she is really working hard but I just didn’t need the support group. It’s just more miserable to sit there and listen to others misery as if my own isn’t enough, you know?” Clarke said.

And Lexa knew.  
“I know what you mean. It’s easier to deal with your own stuff and not listening to others” Lexa said understanding.

“Yeah exactly! I like being alone, it’s easier to just push it away, to push people away” Clarke said.

Lexa was confused. She didn’t mean that it was easier to be alone as in pushing people away. She just meant it was easier to deal with your own stuff and not others, that doesn’t include pushing people away.

“What do you mean?” Lexa asked

“You know, pushing people away when you know you are going to die anyway. That way you hurt less people, that’s kind of the goal” Clarke said.

“Your goal is to push people away to hurt less people? Man, Clarke, those people love you, they want to give you everything, but they can’t if you push them away” Lexa said with a frown. Clarke didn’t look at Lexa, she stayed silent. Lexa panicked, fearing she said something wrong.

“I’m sorry, I got a little carried away. This is just so far away from my world. I moved here, with no friends, but see I let you in, I will let you in, and I’m already a lot happier” Lexa said with a smile trying to lighten the atmosphere.

“It’s complicated” Clarke said.

There was a moment of silence before Lexa decided to break it.

“I wanna get to know you, what’s your story?” Lexa asked.

“My story? Well I was diagnosed with cancer at the age of-“ Clarke answered but was soon interrupted by Lexa.

“No, no, no, not your cancer story, your real story” Lexa said.

Clarke considered the question for a moment.

“I graduated from high school last year and my life kind of stopped after that” Clarke answered.

“What do you mean by your life stopped?” Lexa asked confused.

“I guess after I became aware about the fact that I am dying I just couldn’t see any meaning in my life. So I stopped planning my future, the future I will never experience” Clarke said taking another sip of her orange juice.

“You can’t let your cancer stop you from living a normal and healthy life. I mean don’t you have a dream or some goals you have to make? Like aren’t you thinking about college or something?” Lexa asked.

“Nothing about my life is normal or healthy, so I can” Clarke answered a little stubborn. Lexa sat herself straight up on the couch.

“I personally think we all, no matter our situation, should live our lives as if we are going to live forever” Lexa said.

“Yeah, I get that, but you have a reason to live” Clarke said. There was a moment of silence, and Lexa decided to go even deeper into Clarke.

“Your biggest fear is to die unhappy, and Clarke, that will happen if you don’t let yourself live a little. Trust me, I don’t have anything to live for. I lived with my mom, but she didn’t take care of me, so now I’m living with my dad. I was taken away from everything I ever knew. I’m not very good at concentrating for too long, my grades are not very great, and if I want to even be able to think about college I will have to earn a scholar ship for playing soccer, because my grades sure won’t get me anywhere” Lexa said. Clarke went completely quiet. She had been so caught up in her own imperfect self, and didn’t realize that the person in front of her, whom she thought was so perfect might just have been just as messed up as herself.

“Though I don’t have a lot, I make something to live for. I do what I love, I love soccer. What do you love?” Lexa asked.

“I love art, I loved painting. I have always loved to express myself through art because words just never could do it justice. It helped me through a lot of my time being sick. When I realized that all I could paint was darkness, because that was all I felt, I stopped. I can’t remember the last time I held a pencil with a canvas in front of me and could picture all the colors that could make up the white surface. I needed inspiration, something I never found no matter how much I tried, so I gave up” Clarke explained. Lexa’s eyes never left Clarke.

“Do you still have those paintings?” Lexa asked.

“Yeah… I think… somewhere” Clarke answered drinking the last of her juice.

“Can I mayb…” Lexa started to say when she was interrupted by an aggressively buzzing. She realized it was her phone and went to see who was calling her. Her father, it was her father. She didn’t get to pick it up before the incoming call ended and she just now realized that she had lost track in time and had spent hours at Clarkes place. That explained the 10+ missed calls and a lot of concerned and angry texts from her father. Lexa panicked, she forgot about telling her father she didn’t ride home after the support group. Clarke noticed the panic planted on her face.

“What’s up? Everything alright?” Clarke asked scooting closer to Lexa, and as she was about to place a reassuring hand on Lexa’s shoulder, Lexa stood up and took her bag.

“I’m really sorry, I have to go, I didn’t tell my dad I didn’t ride home after the support group, and now he is pissed. See you tomorrow” Lexa said apologetic with a smile.

Clarke just nodded and couldn’t say a word before Lexa was out the door and heading home to her father’s apartment.


	3. Practice

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sooo.... I'm back with a new chapter. It's been a while, and i apologize for that, but here it is!  
> There is not much clexa interaction in this one, but i promise the next one will have, and it's gonna be angsty - fair warning.  
> Thanks for sticking by, i hope you are all satisfied with this one.  
> Until next time, keep gaying ;)

After Lexa left, Clarke just sat in silence. She was now aware that she was alone again just like last night and the night before that. It just suddenly felt even more empty than last night, as if Lexa just took a part of her existence when she walked out that door just a few minutes ago.

Clarke found herself not moving an inch for at least half an hour, just starring at Lexa’s still full orange juice glass. She was wondering why Lexa hadn’t drank anything at all. She then thought about Lexa again and thought about the conversation they just had. She then looked at the door where Lexa just walked out praying for it to open again with Lexa standing there. Then she thought about how stupid that sounded.

Why would she want an almost stranger to come back and keep her company? She didn’t know, just like she didn’t know why she decided to go upstairs into her small art studio in which she hadn’t been in for so long. It must be because Lexa reminded her about what she once loved so much.

As she entered the art studio she felt like her heart was going to stop beating. She looked at her paintings knowing exactly how she felt when she painted them as she saw the canvases filled with paint. She saw her whole life in them, and thought about how painting was her way of keeping a diary.

She decided she wanted to try to paint again, to give it a shot. So that’s when she took a plain untouched white canvas and placed it in front of her. She found all her pencils and started to prepare the paint. She placed all the colors she could find right in front of her, and still she found herself dipping her pencil unconsciously in the dark grey paint and drew a line on the canvas followed by another one and another one until it made her even more sad.  
She then took a new color which was pure black and was about to draw a line when she suddenly felt numb and bursted out in tears. She left the room still crying, and went into her room just to lay on her bed and cry herself to sleep. This was not the first time for that to happen, so why did she think that it would be different this time? Why torture herself with the realization that happiness just wasn’t meant for her? She didn’t know, and she hated it. What was the point of trying when it all just ended in failure and more misery.

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

Lexa rushed to her motorcycle and drove home too rushed to call her father or let him know she was on her way. As she arrived to the apartment building she ran up the stairs to the apartment and as soon as her father heard the door open he was there.

“Where have you been Alexandria????” He said half concerned half yelling.

“I’m so so sorry, I lost track in time” Was all Lexa could say as she tried to catch her breath. She knew her father was angry but she just didn’t want to deal with it, not at that moment at least.

“I was so concerned, something could have happened to you! I know you are used to not having to care about other people than yourself, and that this is hard for you” He said sternly with a slight hint of anger, until he softened, and continued “I thought you were crashed or something when you weren’t here when I came home. You don’t have to say where you are, I don’t need to know who you are with, just let me know when you are not coming home. That’s all I’m going to want from you” Her father finished.

“Again I’m sorry, I promise it won’t happen again, I just drove Clarke from the support group home because her friend bailed her, and she invited me indoor” Lexa explained.

“Clarke? Lexa don’t mess with her okay?” Her father said pleadingly.

“Are you really saying this? Is this really your concern? Why should mess with her?” Lexa asked even more sternly than her father.

“I know you bring girls home, I see them sneak out every single time. I might not have been a huge part of your life, and I am just now getting to know you, but believe me, I know more than you think. I see more than you think, and I’m not going to see one of my support group members being just another one of your girls” Her father stated.

“For fuck sake, dad! I was just being a good person and helping her, offering her a ride home. That’s all, that’s all it will ever be” Lexa said. A bit of sadness hit her in the realization that she might not be able to give Clarke what she deserves, no matter how much she hates the fact that Clarke is so sick, and she can’t do anything about it. She thinks that there might just be a truth to what her father is saying. Maybe she should leave Clarke alone, because she knows she has hurt girls without intending to. Just because is oblivious as to how arrogant and cold she can be. She likes to believe that Clarke is different, but she doesn’t trust herself enough to have that answer.

“I’m sorry, I just know how you can be sometimes. As I said, I just don’t want to see one of my clients get hurt by my own daughter” Her father said.

“You don’t know me enough to know that! Sure I have slept around, sure I can’t make anyone stay, but I know when to mess with someone and when not to” Lexa said sternly, not calming down, even though her father tried to keep it down.

“I’m not going to do anything with Clarke. Nothing is going to happen” Lexa said making her way to her room not wanting to continue the conversation.

And there she was in her room thinking about Clarke. She had practice that evening but all she wanted to do was sit alone in her room and play out the conversations they have had. She wanted to get to know more of this Clarke. She just couldn’t right now, she just couldn’t hurt Clarke, and she had soccer to do. Lexa had always thought love as a weakness, though she know that everyone grow and do things they swore they would never do. She swore she would never fall in love again, not after what happened with Costia. She would not give another person the power to hurt her the way Costia did.

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

It was starting to get dark, but the lights of the soccer field kept a calming vibe, that Lexa never grew tired of. The smell of the freshly cut grass hit her nose as she approached her teammates. She was late, and that was what her teammates noticed. She was never late, always early. She had a strange feeling ever since she left Clarke. As a soccer captain she had to stay focused on exactly what was in front of her; the ball, the goal and her teammates, though the only problem about that was, that her focus was everywhere else than the soccer field.  
She couldn’t hit the ball right, she couldn’t communicate, she couldn’t get the ball in the goal. She couldn’t do what she did best.

“Hey captain, focus! Focus on the ball!” Her coach Indra yelled. Lexa heard and tried to focus, but she failed. It kept going like that for a while, until her coach thought it was enough.

“Lexa! Get over here. Everyone else, go take a water break” Indra yelled.

Lexa felt all her teammates glance at her, because she knew, they knew why Indra wanted to talk, and she didn’t know why she just couldn’t get it together. She looked to her friends Anya and Octavia, who gave her a reassuring and concerned smile, as they made their way to the water bottles.

Lexa stopped a few feet away from Indra and nervously looked down.

“look at me” Indra said

She did.

“Mind telling me what’s going on out there? This is not you”

“I know” Lexa replied

“You know what’s going on?” Indra asked

“No.. I mean I know this is not me. I don’t know” Lexa said glancing her jaw feeling so very small.

“I don’t know either, that’s why I want you to tell me”

“There’s… a lot of things going on right now, I’m not myself”

“I bet”

Indra was quite the coach. She was hard and cold, she didn’t take any bullshit from nobody. And she certainly wasn’t having any of Lexa’s right now. When Lexa first arrived on her first day of practice, Indra knew that Lexa was special. When she heard where Lexa came from, and what she had been through, she knew she was even more special. Lexa had never had any soccer practice, she was not used to being taught. She taught herself, she played with whoever where at the soccer field near her mother’s apartment. Indra saw a leader in Lexa, and that’s why she made her the team’s captain. She leaned that Lexa was tough, and that she needed to be hard on her for things to work out.

“I’m sorry” was all Lexa could say. She knew that this wasn’t her, and she hated that she was so affected by Clarke. She hated these feelings, and that she studently felt the need to care for this stranger. It was a feeling she wasn’t accustomed to, and she wanted to push it away so badly. She couldn’t be with Clarke, she should take her distance. She didn’t want to risk her place on the soccer team and her future for a girl, she never risks anything for any girl.

“I think you shou…” Indra started, before she was interrupted by Lexa.

“No, I can do this, I will do better” Lexa said as she took a step away from Indra and ran towards her teammates.

“Okay everyone! Listen up. We Are only 2 months away from the championship. I don’t know about you guys, but I really want to win this one. The other teams are strong, but I know that we have the ability to do better than them. We are stronger than them. We can’t let anything, or… anyone make us weak” Lexa said, before taking a deep breath.

“So I ask you all to only focus on this championship for now, okay?” Lexa asked looking expectantly at her team. They all nodded and after that, they continued their practice.

The little pep talk was more for herself than her teammates. She needed to focus, and that’s really what she did during the rest of the practice. Though she still did feel strange, she still did have a hard time focusing, Indra still did notice, but she knew better than to stop Lexa, she knew that she just needed time to sort out whatever it was that was waging between her ears.

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

  
As her practice was over, she dodged all the questions from her friends and teammates. They asked her if she was okay, if they could help. It just made Lexa angry, she didn’t want anyone to concern themselves about her, she was not used to all this affection, and she felt like choking.

She ignored them, skipped the shower and left the comforting light from the field and into the darkness of the parking lot. She looked to the sky and saw the stars and the moon and thought to herself what the hell anyone did wrong the stars for Clarke to be sick. Then she caught herself thinking of Clarke, and thought that it was better to just look at the ground and not think about something so beautiful, yet so devastating.

She found her way into the darkness and went home, feeling empty and not ready to face Clarke the next day. Though still excited to see her again, but she quickly mentally slapped herself for that thought. She didn't want to hurt her, she had to be the grown up and stop it before she does something nasty, something she could never forgive herself for. She wasn't good at feelings, and wanting something was scary and weak and terrifying. She would not want herself to get hurt either, that's why she was as she was, never doing anythign with feelings. She leaned that as soon as you give another person the control and power of your feelings, they get hungry, they get greedy, and they can do things you even can't speak. She knew what she had to do though, and she couldn’t get herself to think more about it, she needed to find peace for now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks again for reading! Let me know what you think!


	4. Stars

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So heres next chapter. A lot of angst, but I promise that it will all get better in next chapter, so stay tuned!  
> Thank you all for the support and for reading! Please leave a comment and let me know what you think, and if you have any wishes or ideas for future chapters.

Clarke woke up 30 minutes before her alarm clock. She liked to put on her alarm clock every morning, not because she had anything to do, but at least it made her feel just a little normal. It made her feel like she had purpose, and she had to get up, even though she had yet to find out what exactly that purpose was. She couldn’t get herself to try and sleep again, as the sun was already fighting its way through the curtain as if to let it known. To remind Clarke that another day has started and that she survived yet another night alone. She stretched her body deliciously until she heard a noise down the hall. She made her way towards the noise, even though she didn’t feel like leaving the comfort that her bed provided.

“Hey sweetheart, you already up? It’s onl… Wait it’s already 8 am” Her mother said as soon as she saw Clarke approach her.

“Yeah, it is”

“I didn’t even realize the time, there is so much work lately. The hospital is busy, we are low on doctors. I don’t know what’s up with this town, I feel like everyone gets sick” Her mother continued as she took off her shoes and put her keys on the counter, not even looking at Clarke. Too busy with everything else as she always seemed.

“Well, yeah, just blame the sick people. WE are a pain in the ass right?”

“Clark…”

“No, mom, I don’t want to hear it. I know. You didn’t mean it that way, that’s what you always say” she interrupted.

“I’m sorry, work is tough, I’m drained” Her mother continued.

“I know” was all Clarke said before she made her way to the kitchen to make herself some coffee, to feel human for a while, to feel alive, to feel like she had something to do, that made her need the morning coffee.

“I don’t want you to be upset that I’m too busy, tell me what to do” She felt her mother presence.

“I’m not, I know you work hard, I get it. I wouldn’t be here still if you weren’t doing it” Clarke said, wishing she wasn’t there at all, that she wasn’t what drained her mother, that she wasn’t there to waste all their money on medicine.

“I can’t work, you can. You keep us going, I can’t” Clarke continued.

“It’s worth it, you know? Knowing that this medicine might help” Her mother said

“It might not”

“I believe in miracles. I believe in the chance that this might be the one. Don’t you?” Her mother put her hands on her cheeks, looking into her eyes. She saw tears in her mother’s eyes, she felt like crying, but fought it. Her purpose was not to cry, that she learned.

“I don’t want to get my hopes up”

“You are strong, you know that right? You father would be proud, I’m so proud” The mention of her father made her lose her fight against the tears and soon they were hugging eachother and crying, reminding each other about how much they missed him, and how much they weren’t going to let their situation get the best of them.

The thing is, that her mother just didn’t see Clarke’s sadness, she didn’t realize that she didn’t only fight her illness but also her mind. Today was different though, she looked forward to the support group. To see Lexa again. She had been thinking non-stop about Lexa and what it all meant, that this might be fate, maybe this was something good, and everything bad was leading up to this. She thought about the meaning of what Lexa said the day before, and she really wanted to get to know this girl. Usually she felt like it was her duty as a possibly dying person to push people away and hurt as few people as possible. Lexa was different though, Lexa was special, she was sure about that. She didn’t want to push her away not this one, not Lexa.

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

The afternoon air was humid and the sun was making the streets glow despite the tall buildings surrounding making a shade that made the afternoon sun almost bearable. Lexa felt her heart raise the closer she got to the support group. She didn’t want to do it, but she had to.  
Lexa made her arrival and entered hoping not to run into a certain blonde. It was her luck, she was no where in sight, at least at that moment.

Soon Clarke entered and Lexa felt like she was about to burst, she saw her enter, saw the beautiful girl she had been thinking about. She thought that it would be easy to see her, but it wasn’t, because as soon as the blue ocean met the green land, there was a flood. The blue taking over the green, controlling it while being out of control, and all Lexa could do was remove her eyes from the blonde, not even giving her a smile. The ocean became too much and she felt like drowning, and she had a big game soon, she just couldn’t let herself drown, not now.

Not once during the support group did Lexa look at Clarke, she didn’t want to drown again, so she ignored, trying to be normal, trying to act like it wasn’t a big deal when it was everything.

When the support group ended, Lexa wanted to escape as soon as possible, she wanted to abort her mission, because this blue was more intense than she remembered, and she just couldn’t do it. So when her father called the support group a day, she immediately stood up from her seat and made her way to the door, not daring to look else where that towards her goal; everywhere else than blue. So she went outside, and saw blue, but a blue filled with white pillows that didn’t make her dizzy, that didn’t make her drown and she was relieved until her escape, her attempt at aborting her mission was interrupted by the mission.

“Hey, why so fast?” She heard a familiar voice and a soft hand on her shoulder.

Lexa froze, stopped, closed her eyes, took a deep breath as if preparing herself for the drowning, for the end. She turned around and she immediately felt herself suffocate. She tried to look anywhere else, but that wasn’t a choice, she had to do this.

“Hey” Was all she could muster, trying not to let her anxiety show.

“You okay?” Clarke asked concerned.

“Yeah, sure, why?” Lexa asked trying to sound as normal as possible.

“You just seem… I don’t know..” Clarke tried “Nevermind, I just wanted to ask what you are up for later today? Like right now?” Clarke said with a smile.

“Uh I have practice” Lexa lied.

“ohh, until when?”

“I don’t know, I mean, I’m the captain, so a lot of preparing”

“How about tomorrow, after support group? Or before?”

“I don’t know. This soccer is taking a lot lately” Lexa said coldly, and this was where Clarke started to pick up on something. This wasn’t right, something was off.

“You know you can tell me if you don’t want to, right?” Clarke said, and Lexa knew she felt it. She felt that Lexa was distant.

“It’s not that”

“I get it, just tell me, it’s not like I’m not used to it”

“Clarke”

“No, you are lying right now, I’m not stupid” Clarke raised her voice, and Lexa knew there were no turning back now.

“You have absolutely no idea about how much I want to. I really do, but I can’t, I shouldn’t” Lexa tried, but she knew it wasn’t enough, and Clarke wasn’t having it.  
Lexa was to realize what a strong personality Clarke had, and Clarke was not going to find herself in a situation where she got attached, just for them to leave.

“Can’t what? Should not?”

“This”

“What the fuck is this? This is fuckin bullshit, Lexa”

“Okay listen, I’m not who you think I am, I am not a good person. You deserve better than what I am, and I know that I’m not going to be good for you, and as much as I would like that not to be true, I just cant change what is”

“Lexa, you don’t get to choose if you are a good person, you let people judge that. And I were to think you were a good person, but I don’t understand this, and I don’t know if I want to. What did I do wrong? Tell me.”

“Nothing, nothing is wrong, you don’t understand”

“oh so that’s what you think? I don’t understand? Well I will let you know that I do, and honestly I don’t need this right now” Clarke said trying to hold back her tears, turning around and making her was down the street. She left Lexa, and as Lexa was about to say sorry, Lexa didn’t, because what was the use? She did what she had to do, and that was that, and now she had things to focus on, and those things weren’t blue, and that was all that mattered.

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

Lexa watched as Clarke left, feeling empty. She took a big breath as if breathing all the bad out, before looking around to see if the heated discussion, if it were to be called that, had dragged any attention on it. It had. As soon as she made eyecontact with her dad, she felt her heart drop, and suddenly felt sick. She had a moment of relief, a moment where she breathed the bad out wishing to start fresh, going back to be cold and normal again, but as soon as she was her father, and the disappointment that painted his face, she suddenly felt everything but cold and normal.

She remembered what her dad had said about messing with Clarke about hurting her, and she just now realized that that was just what she did, and that she did everything she promised her father she shouldn’t do.

Lexa contemplated whether she should escape or confront. She rethought what just happened, and learned that escaping was easy, but it often wasn’t the right choice, so she confronted.

“I can explain, dad” Lexa tried as she approached her father.

“I really don’t want to hear this right now, Lexa, can’t you just go home, and we will take it there?” Her father said coldly looking her in the eyes. Lexa could tell he was angry, very angry, and that he just didn’t want to say anything at that location. She knew when she got home, under different circumstances, it would be different.

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

“What the hell was that about?” Her father said as he walked back and forth near the dinner table where Lexa was sitting.

“I come out of the support group and see you arguing with Clarke. Did you not listen when I said you should leave her alone?” He said, raising his voice.

“Look, this is not what it seems, I didn’t do anything to hurt her, it has only been a few days. It was all just crashing together, looking like more than it was” Lexa tried to explain, knowing well that this wasn’t getting her anywhere.

“It certainly didn’t look like less than it was. And I have leaned not underestimate what you can do in a couple of days”

“I haven’t done anything to her, what do you think I did? Tell me!”

“You were at her place? The next day you talk to her, and suddenly she is storming off with tears in her eyes”

“Believe me when I say nothing happened”

“Tell me you don’t know what it looks like, and that it’s not what it looks like” Her father said more sternly than ever before. Almost threatening, that’s how it felt.

“It’s not what it looks like, it’s messed up, and I don’t want to talk about this. I did what I had to do” Was all Lexa could muster. She still felt bad, she felt wrong, like this wasn’t the right choice, but it happened, and it was meant to be. That was what she tried to tell herself.

“I’m so disappointed and honestly I don’t know what to say, because I don’t get it, I don’t understand what you are doing”

“Then don’t, just leave me alone” She had had enough.

She didn’t feel better after telling Clarke, cutting her off. She just felt even worse, and a part of her knew that before she did it, but didn’t want to believe it. She left her dad and went outside in an attempt to escape yet again. It all just seemed to come back as she tried to escape. Though the slightly cool air felt better than the overpowering air that surrounded her in the apartment. Like it took all the power, all the willpower she had and made her weak. The last thing Lexa wanted to be was weak, so she kept walking until she didn’t recognize where she was. It was starting to get dark, so she made her way down a street then she rounded a liquor store, then a pub and looked inside only to see a few people. Each one sitting alone, and she wondered if they felt just like her. So she kept going, until she was sure she saw blonde, some blonde she knew, only to see eyes and only met brown. It wasn’t blue, but she knew those eyes even better.

“Hey, Lexa? Is that you?” She heard a familiar voice, and she knew.

“Oh Costia? Wh.. what are you doing here?” She stammered.

“Just moved here, I got a good job offer, and I could ask you the same” Costia said curiously as she saw the somewhat shaken Lexa.

“I’m out for a walk”

“yeah I see, but I mean, NY? You walked all the way from Seattle? I knew you were good with physical activity, but not… like this” Costia gave a smile, a smile that made Lexa shiver, because she knew it too well, and hadn’t seen it for too long.

“No, no I moved here as well, you know with my mom and all that, it wasn’t… good” Lexa said trying to look anywhere but at Costia.

“Your dad I suppose? I remember something about him living here?”

“Yeah, my dad”

“Okay, I hope you are well. Would you maybe want to, I don’t know, hang out?” Costia asked cautiously.

Lexa was surprised. Surprised by the suggestion, from someone who gave her up, and was the one to leave, to make the decision. Lexa knew what she felt, she knew she wanted but shouldn’t, that she still had feelings caught somewhere in between of what they were and what they are. It was strange for Costia to suggest it, and Lexa was confused, but she couldn’t make herself to care after all that was happening.

“I’m don’t know really, it’s… difficult right now”

“Yeah I know, I’m sorry, this is weird, I probably shouldn’t have said that” Costia tried “If you should change your mind, I live just up there” She pointed towards the door of the building they were standing right in front of.

“I should” Lexa said, suggesting she should get going.

“yeah” Was all Costia said before Lexa turned around and walked, not looking back.

What was the chances? That Costia was there, right in front of her all of a sudden. Lexa thought that this was meant to test her, to see just how much she could take, how much more the universe could push her until the cosmos would explode. She waited for the stars to align, only for them to do the opposite. It's like the world was upside down, and this was the worst time for the universe to play games with her. She was so not prepared for this. So she kept walking until she saw the familiar building of her dads appartment and laid down on a bench near by, starring up to the moon and the slowly appearing stars in the early night sky before closing her eyes. She hoped that at least something would make sense this night, that the stars would show her some kind of way. Asking for the impossible.


	5. Recovery

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Soooo here's the long waited update. Sorry for the wait and the short chapter, I had a hard time finishing up this one, but here it is.
> 
> I have an idea for the next chapter, which will be a little angsty, but I guess that's what this story is about, fluff and angst. Though, Let me know in the comments if you have any ideas and requests for future chapters, and I will consider including them aswell.
> 
> Thank you for sticking around, I appreciate the love, kudos and comment! Thank you!

The night was tough, it was cold and unknown. So unwelcome and taunting, and Lexa just couldn’t let it take over her, make her unconscious, make her dream. Even though she needed to be gone for a while to forget, she knew that she would only just dream of blue, lots of blue. That very special kind of blue that made her drown and she was not ready for that, not when she was trying to escape from it.

When Lexa finally fell asleep it was well into the early morning, and the sunrise only made her more anxious, because she was not ready for a new day, even though she was happy for the day before to be over. She was not ready for the day, so she forced her brain to shut down for a while, just a few hours, just to forget for a little while.

She was awakened by sounds from outside her bedroom door and decided to make her appearance of the day, she couldn’t keep hiding herself forever. As she finally left her bedroom, she came out to see her father, getting ready to leave, only to realize that it was well into the afternoon, and she had slept through the whole day.

“Are we leaving now?” She asked anxious, not daring to look at her father.

“Yes” he answered “I am leaving”

“well I’m coming too?”

“I think it will be better if you stay home today, after what happened yesterday” He said as he took on his jacket and gathered the last of his things.

“I can’t, if the school finds out I skipped a day I…”

“So that’s really all you care about? School suddenly?”

“I mean…” Lexa tried. Suddenly closing her mouth, ending what she was about to say. She tried to find the right words as she fiddled with her fingers, and her thoughts did the same. Because truth be told, she didn’t have anything to say, not anything fitting. ”You know, there really isn’t anything wrong, it will be fine”

“It’s not fine, okay?” Her father looked at her intensely, as if watching her every move carefully. “I don’t want you there, when Clarke is there, and I don’t want to have this talk now”. The mention of her, of her name, was almost like a knife in her heart, and she hated it and she wanted it to not be real, this feeling. She knew it wasn’t fine, that Clarke wasn’t fine, she just didn’t want to face the whole reality of what happened, of what she felt like was the right thing to do. For every minute that passed, she got more anxious, her thoughts made less and less sense, and it scared her. She had never cared for anything but herself, this was new, and it was not welcomed. She needed to find a way to get rid of this feeling.

And at that he left.

“Whatever” she sighed.

 

 

* * *

 

 

The evening was beginning, and the city was starting to settle down. Lexa usually liked this time of the day, she liked the silence that went with a city about to find rest, to settle for the day. Her days were becoming steady, becoming something, she could live with despite not being used to routine and structure. Though this day was particularly though, just like yesterday, and she was beginning to feel unsteady.

The dinner with her father after he came home from the support group made her even more steady than she was able to contain.

“Clarke wasn’t at the support group today” Her father said.

“She is always there”

“Well, not today” He said as he took a bite of the pasta Lexa had surprisingly cooked, which tasted surprisingly good, and he was surprisingly calm. Though Lexa was anything by calm by the news.

“You think…?”

“What?”

“I don’t know” She shook her head. Because what she thought was stupid right? That something happened to Clarke, that she might had gotten a seizure or anything like that, that she was getting bad again. Wait, that could happen, she realized. The panic showed on Lexa’s face, and suddenly she was ready for the blue to drown her.

“I…I have to go” Was all Lexa said, as she sat up from her chair to find her keys. “I have practice”.

“No, you don’t, not until later?” He said confused. “Wait Lexa where are you going? Stay!”

Lexa didn’t stop, and before he knew, she was out the door, and there was no way he could stop her at this point. He also knew Lexa enough not to try.

 

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

The evening was warm. Warmer that usual, not even the wind was cooling her off as she rode her motorbike down the street she had been on only a few days ago with the blonde. She stopped at the house and she saw lights. She was scared, but she felt like the light was a good sign, that Clarke was home, that she was alone as there were no car outside the house. Lexa approached the door and lifted her hand, about to knock, when she thought about what she was doing, thought about why she was standing there.

She really hadn’t been thinking about what she was doing. She just acted, and it scared her that she suddenly felt the urge to check on Clarke. Just the day before had she hurt this person, she had told them off without explaining, she had lied, she had even lied to herself. She had told herself all these things about not feeling it, not feeling what the blonde did to her, and she hated that she told herself these things, but she didn’t feel like she didn’t care. She guessed that’s why she was standing outside the door, not knowing what to say.

So, she finally lifted her hand again and felt the hard surface of the wooden door on her knuckles and heard the sound that soon led to the turn of a door knop and a confused familiar blonde. The sight made Lexa take a deep breath and she suddenly felt like drowning, though this time she didn’t run away she didn’t try to escape the drowning, she just stood, quiet, and let it happen.

“Lexa?” She heard a soft voice. “What are you doing here?”

Lexa saw the hurt, she saw the red puffy eyes that had probably cried rivers and she could almost see the salt from the dried-up tears on her cheeks.

“Can I?”

“Come in?”

“Yeah”

“Lexa, I’m…”

“No, let me, I have some explaining to do”

Clarke stepped back, making room for Lexa to enter the door. As she closed the door, Lexa finally did her explaining, or at least she tried to translate what she felt, what she tried not to feel, into words.

“I heard you weren’t at the support group today, and I got concerned”. Lexa faced the blonde.

“I just wasn’t feeling… it today” Clarke said not looking at the blonde. “why would you of all people be concerned about me?” Clarke asked confused, a little sternly, and it made Lexa flinch.

“I didn’t mean to turn you into this” Lexa looked at Clarke with furrowed brows, finally realizing what she had done. All Clarke did was look away. “I’m not very good with words, just as I’m not really good at feelings and understanding them” She tried.

There was still no reaction from Clarke.

“I’m not going to justify how I acted, because nothing can justify what I did and the lies I told you and myself”

Then there was a reaction from Clarke. Because Clarke thought that what Lexa had said the other day was true. She had told herself that Lexa wasn’t worth trying because it wasn’t happening anyway. Hearing Lexa tell her that she had lied, made Clarke both relieved and sad. Why would she lie to her? Trust was the most important thing for Clarke, because she had experienced people leaving her because of her sickness, because she was too much for them to handle. She felt that her sickness was a burden, that people would get tired of her depressive sick talk. She just wanted someone to stay, someone to stay, at least for a little while.

“What lies?” Clarke asked, but she knew. She saw right through Lexa. Lexa was a tough cookie, someone who would do everything to hide their feelings in order to save themselves. Though as much as Lexa was the person who wanted to have nothing to do with dealing with her own and others feelings, she was also the kind of person, like Clarke, who needed someone to prove them that love is indeed not weakness. Feelings are not weakness.

Lexa tried to say something. She wanted to express herself. But what were they anyway? They weren’t dating. They hadn’t even known each other for long. This could not be feelings, though she just couldn’t tell why she felt like this, why she felt the urge to check on Clarke, and to say something to make up for the lies she had told.

“That this isn’t right. Us. I mean…” Lexa tried. “I remember I told you that I was not good for you, and I might not be that, that might be true, but what I did to you was not okay. I want to be a better person, I’m really trying, but whenever I try I just…”

“Gets hurt?”

“Yeah” Lexa said trying not to think about how Costia hurt her as she took a step closer to Clarke. “I have been thinking about you ever since I said those things. I have been feeling so bad about it, and I’m not used to that. I got concerned, which scared me, because I haven't cared for anyone like this in a long time. I want to make everything good again” Lexa continued hopefully.

“I appreciate your honesty, but I don’t want your pity. I know I’m sick, I know people want to make me feel good for as long as I have”

“It’s not what this is about, Clarke” Lexa said, and noticed Clarke swallowing hard at the sound of her name from Lexa’s mouth.

“You don’t even know that yet. I bet that in a few weeks you will turn out to be just like the rest. Getting tired of me, abandoning me, use me because all I will ever be is a burden. Lexa, I don’t need your pity, please don’t”

“How can I prove that I’m not like that?”

“I don’t know” Clarke said as she shook her head. “I really don’t know”.

"The truth is that I like you, and that scares me because It's been a long while since I cared for someone" Lexa said. Clarke didn't know what to say. SHe had this beautiful brunette in front of her who came back for her, who admitted she made a mistake and cared for her. She could not be angry at her anymore, she couldn’t be angry at Lexa for long. “How about tomorrow?”

“Huh?” Clarke said confused, as she lifted her head to look into the most honest green eyes she had seen in a while.

“Are you free tomorrow?” Lexa tried again.

“I mean… yeah, why?”

“9 pm?”

"Why not right after support group?" Clarke asked confused.

"You plan on comming to the support group tomorrow?"

"Will you be there?"

"If my dad let me" Lexa said with a grin.

"Why wouldn't he let you?" Clarked asked even more confused.

"Because what happened the other day"

"Oh, yeah" Clarke said, as if she had already forgot what had happened.

"I have practice right after support group"

"I could join"

"Practice?"

"Yeah, I mean, not practice, I'm not really good at any physical activity" Clarke said with a chuckle, earning a smile from Lexa. "But just watch. It's okay if you don't want me there, like I understand, you need to focus and all that..."

"You mean i can't focus with you there?" Lexa interrupted with a even bigger smirk that made Clarke weak in her knees.

"No, no I mean... I don't..." Clarke stammered, only amusing Lexa even more than she probably should.

"I'm kidding, you are more than welcome to watch. That would a pleasure to have you there, so do join"

“If you insist”

“I do” was all Lexa said before she kissed the smaller girl on the cheek and disappeared.

Clarke had to be honest, she was scared. She was scared that this girl was a mistake, that she was going to get hurt again. Though she didn’t want to think too much about that, not in that moment where she felt the green-eyed girl’s lips on her cheek and it was over so fast, too fast. All she could do was hope that they wouldn’t be over as fast as that moment. This was going to be a hell of a ride, and she knew it, but she had to take a risk. This had to mean something right? Someone like Lexa coming back for her, it’s something that only happened in movies, and Clarke had watched too many of those to know. She did believe in love, she was a hopeless romantic, she just sometimes needed that little bit of faith to regain that passion for it. She was willing to take the risk of getting her heart broken by Lexa, and that was probably the part of the whole situation that scared her the most.


	6. New Colors

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> New chapter is up!  
> Sorry for the wait, I hope it will be worth it.
> 
> Let me know what you think in the comments, and if you have any ideas for the story, I'll gladly read them and get inspired.
> 
> Thank you all for the support and the kind comments, enjoy!

Lexa finally woke up, as the sun reached her eyes. It was well into the noon and she stretched her body as she felt the sunshine from her open window dance on her skin. It was warm on her skin, and she felt warm in her heart. She had finally done what felt right, told how she felt to Clarke. Clarke deserved to know, and Lexa deserved to be the good person she truly was inside. She hadn’t had many moments in her life, where she was able to show that side of her. She always had to be the tough one and do things on her own and not care for anyone else, because no one cared about her.

“Where were you last night?” Her father asked as soon as she stepped out of her room and into the kitchen.

“I was just going for a drive” Lexa replied as she took a piece of toast and put it in the toaster.

“You are lying. Don’t lie to me Lexa”

“If you already know where I were, why do you ask?”

“I don’t know where you were for sure, just that we talked about Clarke not showing up at the support group yesterday and suddenly you were in a rush”

“It’s not what you think”

“What is it then?” Her father was not happy.

“I went to her to apologize for my behavior” Lexa said and was interrupted by the sound of the toaster, telling her that her toast was done. She took it and added some jam on it before taking a big bite.

“Just be careful, she is sick” Her dad said as he calmed a bit down, surprised that his daughter would go as far as to apologize to someone she had known for such a short time. Lexa usually didn’t give a fuck about others.

“You know, she is more than just a sick person, right?”

“Lexa, you know what I mean” Her father sighed. “She is one of my clients, and I will not have her heart broken by my own daughter”.

Lexa wanted to tell her father off and yell at him for accusing her of breaking her heart. Though she knew her father had a reason to accuse her, because that was the Lexa he knew. The one who would sleep with girls and didn’t care if she ended up breaking their hearts when she would tell them she didn’t see them as something else than a good lay. She was charming and sometimes without her knowing, she made girls fall in love with her even though it was never her intention. She hadn’t admitted caring for someone since Costia. She just wanted to make sure that her father knew that Clarke was different, and that she wanted to be different. So she took a deep breath and counted to ten before she spoke.

“I will not break her heart, just trust me. She is joining me at practice after the support group. We are going to hang out” Lexa said calmer than her father had expected, and that made him worry less, and that was the goal.

“And only hang out?” Her father teased, and Lexa wasn’t sure if he was serious or just joking.

“Yes. I’m going to be good for her” She promised her father and herself.

 

 

* * *

 

 

The smell of the familiar grass finally reached Lexa’s nostrils as her and Clarke made their way towards the soccer field. Clarke looked around and couldn’t help herself glancing at Lexa now and then. Lexa was both tenser and calmer as soon as they entered the soccer field. Clarke found it odd, but as she thought about what soccer must have meant to Lexa, it made sense. Soccer was a safe space for Lexa as much as it was a place where she had to show her worth. She had to be concentrated and focus on the game but at the same time she felt at home on the soccer field and she could clear her head. It was such a contrast, it was like art. It was like art with a lot of contrasts and colors, and emotions. Like feeling a lot or not feeling a lot.

They were greeted by the other team mates and the coach. They all called Lexa commander, and Clarke wondered why. She soon found out that Lexa was the captain, but why did they call her commander? She kept asking herself the question until she saw Lexa and her team in action. Lexa was stern and focused. She had a stoic expression and it was like she always saw ahead of her other team mates. She was commanding her team and she could only imagine how she would be during a game.

“Sometimes I wonder why I’m even here” Clarke heard a voice beside her. She looked to her side to see the coach.

“Huh?” Clarke was confused.

“She is very smart, the commander. Sometimes I feel like they don’t need a coach, she is good for the team”

“Oh, well she looks like the born leader on the field”

“She is” Indra said as she looked proud at Lexa. “Sometimes she loses focus though, if something is bothering her, and that’s when I matter. You have to be hard on her sometimes, to make her focus. She is a tough one, she didn’t have an easy life”

“She is very talented” Was all Clarke replied as she looked back on the brunette commanding her team. What Indra said made her realize that she didn’t know Lexa, she didn’t know her at all. She didn’t know what her childhood was like, she didn’t know her story. Lexa was just this beautiful mystery, and she wanted to solve it, she wanted to read her, she wanted to crack her code.

 

 

* * *

 

 

The practice was coming to an end, and Clarke felt the chill of the evening creep up on her, it was almost 9 pm, but she wanted to watch Lexa and she wanted to hang out with her after practice. Lexa said goodbye to her teammates and had a quick talk with Indra about some important game coming up before they disappeared inside the changing room and there were only Clarke and Lexa on the soccer field.

“You can go take a shower and change if you want to, I will wait” Clarke said as Lexa approached her on the side of the field where Clarke sat on the cold grass.

“You think I smell that bad?” Lexa said with a smirk as she sat next Clarke.

“I mean, no, but like it’s a little chill out now, so maybe you will get cold from your… sweat” Clarke said with a chuckle as she motioned to the sweaty green eyed girl beside her.

“Nah, I’m fine, it takes a bit more to get me cold” Lexa said. “Are you cold? We can go somewhere warmer if you want to”.

“A bit, but it’s okay, I like it here. The air is clear, and you can see the stars” Clarke said.

“Here take this” Lexa said as she put her jacket around Clarke. Clarke was surprised about the sweet gesture. “It might be a little sweaty, but that will have to do”.

“Thank you” Clarke said as she shared a look with Lexa before looking away with a huge smile on her face. Something about Lexa just made her weak in her knees. The brunette was charming, she was stunning and something about her energy just made Clarke feel comfortable immediately.

“Do you want to shoot a few balls? It might warm you a bit up” Lexa asked as she stood up and fetched a ball.

“I don’t know, I’m not really good with sports, especially sports that involve balls.” Clarke hesitated.

“Don’t worry, I will show you” Lexa said as she gave her free hand to Clarke to help her up from the ground. Clarke sighed and took Lexa’s hand. Clarke was sure that Lexa was able to make her do anything. She just had to give Clarke the look and the smirk and she was putty in her hands.

“Okay, but don’t laugh at me.” Clarke said with a serious expression as she raised her eyebrows.

“I would never do that” Lexa promised with a smirk as she handed Clarke the ball.

Clarke put the ball down on the ground in front of the goal. This shot was going to be easy. No defenders, no goalkeeper. Clarke took a few steps backwards before running forward and hit the ball. It missed, and Clarke squinted at the missed ball. She did not believe what just happened, was she really that bad?

“Did that hurt?” Lexa asked.

“Yeah, both my feel and my confidence” Clarke said.

“It’s okay, you hit the ball wrong with your foot. That shot was meant to miss no matter what”

“Huh?” Clarke didn’t know anything about soccer, and certainly didn’t know there were a specific way to hit the ball with her foot.

“You hit it with the front of your foot, you have to hit it with the inside of your foot. It gives better friction and there is more surface for the ball to hit” Lexa said, and Clarke adored how passionate Lexa was about soccer. “Let me show you”.

Lexa hit the ball perfectly in the corner of the goal.

“Nice”

“Your turn”

“Okay”

Clarke made a second attempt with Lexa’s advice and scored.

“WHOAAHHHH” Lexa cheered. “AND THE CROWD GOES CRAZY” Lexa yelled, as if she was commentating a real soccer game with real soccer players and not just Clarke hitting the goal. It warmed Clarke though, to see this side of Lexa. She just still didn’t feel like she knew Lexa, and she wanted to know everything about her.

“You are a dork”

“Only for you” Lexa gave her a wink.

“You are charming” Clarke said with a smile.

“I try” Lexa replied before there came a brief silence between them. It was a comfortable kind of silence.

“I’m definitely warm now”

“That’s good” Lexa said as she laid down on the cold grass. “This is my favorite place”

“Yeah?” Clarke sat down next to her. “You were good out there”.

“You think?”

“Yeah, you are going to be a professional soccer player before you know it” Clarke said as she stared down at the brunette who looked up at the stars, as she was trying to imagine herself as a star. Lexa didn’t have that in her, to see herself doing good. She liked soccer, but she didn’t know if she would ever be a star at anything, not even soccer. Clarke saw it though, Indra saw it, her teammates saw it.

“I don’t know”

“I do” Clarke said, and Lexa finally looked at her and gave her a warm smile.

“So what’s your story? I never got to hear it the other day. I told you mine, or at least some of it” Clarke asked, and she immediately felt the girl beside her tense a bit, and her smile fade.

“There is not much to tell”

“I’m sure there is. I want to get to know you”

“Well I grew up in a small apartment in Seattle with my mom. She kind of kidnapped me from my dad, nobody did anything to help him get me back, therefore he never really got to see me before now” Lexa started.

“Then what happened?”

“She was an alcoholic, she probably still is, if she is even alive. I also think she did drugs, but I tried not to pay attention to her. She never took care of me, there were never food or anything. She could be violent sometimes, so could her many on and off boyfriends. There were never a stable or steady time in my childhood. I have been told I have a sister that is older than me, but I don’t really remember her. I guess she left in hope to find a better life. I kind of grew up on my own. Then the authorities took action and removed me from my mom and found my father because he had been trying to get me back.”

“I’m sorry to hear that. I think you are great. You could have ended up like your mother”

“Yeah, that’s scary. I wish would have been as brave as my sister. I grew accustomed to being alone and taking care of myself. It was a big change to come here and have someone care for me, it strangely had to take some getting used to. I just have to convince myself that I am a worthy and good person that deserves love and care, and that shit is hard. I haven’t been easy on my father”

“Changes always takes some getting used to, no matter if they are good or bad. I don’t believe you are a bad person” Clarke said.

“I’m sorry for acting like an ass against you the other day. I’m not used to caring for anyone and having anyone care for me. Sometimes my emotions and feelings scare me and I flee.” Lexa said as she sat up and looked at Clarke. “Like in soccer I’m a fighter, I’m a go getter. Though as soon as it comes to feelings and getting close to anyone, then I’m not tough enough to admit my feelings. I am scared as fuck.” Lexa confessed.

“I’m not mad at you, I can’t be mad at you.”

“You have every right to be mad”

“You have never felt love, like real love. The one person who put you into this world, who should take care of you and love you with all her life let you down. You don’t have to be okay all the time. We all have our struggles. I get it. I’m just happy you came back. It has to mean something, right?”

“Yeah” Lexa replied as she stared into Clarkes eyes. She was mesmerized by blue, and Clarke looked so beautiful in the spotlights on the soccer field. She didn’t know when she had gotten this lucky, to sit in her favorite place with the most beautiful girl she had ever seen. Then her eyes found lips then eyes and then lips, and she felt some magnetic field pull her in and she leaned in and felt Clarke do the same. As they were inches apart the light was shut off at the soccer field and it was pitch black. Lexa knew that the light always shut off at 10 pm, and she guessed an hour had already passed and they should get going.

Lexa cleared her throat. “I guess that is our cue to leave”

“Yeah” Clarke said, and just like that they left the soccer field and found Lexa’s motorcycle.

 

 

* * *

 

 

The last two weeks had been amazing. Clarke had got to spend a lot of time with Lexa and she had gotten to know her even better than she thought. Lexa had spent the night with her a few nights, because Lexa couldn’t bare letting Clarke be home alone when her mom was working her graveyard shifts. She was also scared about Clarke getting bad, because Clarke had told her about how her cancer could sometimes act up and make her weak and faint and even worse. Lexa wasn’t there because she felt like she should protect Clarke because of her sickness, she was there because she liked Clarke and enjoyed spending time with her. She would drop by Clarke after practice since they didn’t get to see each other at the support anymore due to Lexa’s school project being finished. One evening she had kissed Clarke. It was long and chaste and gentle, and she had wanted to do it ever since that time. She didn’t want to push Clarke or herself into whatever this was, so she kept her distance, at least she tried. Though when she stayed over she would hold Clarke in her arms, assure her that she would never leave and kiss the back of her head while Clarke was drifting off to sleep. It never got further than that which Lexa wasn’t used to, but she kind of liked it. When she would lay with a girl, then it would be because of sex, and then her or the girl she was having sex with left right after they were both satisfied. This was different though, Clarke was different. She feared hurting Clarke.

Often Lexa made Clarke forget about her cancer. Clarke never thought that she was going to get to that point again. Not after her boyfriend dumped her because he felt like Clarke was already dead to him, because of all the talk about cancer, and death and a funeral, and it had become too much. Not after her friends slowly left her. The worst part was that she didn’t blame them, she didn’t blame them leaving because she felt like it was her duty to not let anyone in again. In that way she was able to hurt less people. She didn’t want to push Lexa away, she knew Lexa was something special and it also kind of scared her, which was weird to her. How can you be scared of someone who would bring you ice cream at 10 in the evening? Someone you would tell that you had a bad day and they would bring you flowers, just to see you smile? Someone who just had to look at you and you immediately felt at home? Someone who could make  you laugh without even trying?  Maybe it wasn’t Lexa she was scared of, maybe it was herself she was scared of. She feared hurting Lexa.

“When are you leaving?” Clarke asked as she laid her head on Lexa’s strong shoulder and slung her arm around Lexa’s torso as they were sitting on the couch.  They didn’t talk about the fact that this felt so domestic and serious, they just lived in it, and it strangely felt normal.

“I thought we were having a good time?” Lexa teased.

“You know what I mean” Clarke rolled her eyes and smiled. Clarke just wanted to know how much time she had Lexa there, how much more time until she would be alone again. A constant fear.

“In an hour. I will be going to Lincoln’s place for pre-drinking and then we will be heading to the party” Lexa replied as she put her arm around Clarke’s shoulder and pulled her closer to her.

“Ugh, I don’t get why you drink. Like what’s the fun?” Clarke sighed.

“Well the alcohol adds to the fun. You get looser and you dare to do more” Clarke kind of felt a tinge of jealousy boil up in her, even though she didn’t have the right to. She just couldn’t avoid the thought that Lexa could hook up with another girl, because Lexa had told her about her past.

“You could join, you don’t have to drink. It could be fun”

“You already said that a thousand times” Clarke giggled.

“And how many times do I have to say it before you to agree to join?” Lexa asked, raising an eyebrow as she looked away from the movie they were watching and looked at Clarke.

“Zero, because I’m not going” Clarke said as she continued to watch the movie. She wished Lexa would stay over. Her mom har a long shift and wouldn’t be home until 5 in the morning.

“You know, if you want me to stay here, I can. There will be other parties”

“You are dumb”

“Why?”

“There will be other times we can hang out as well, just go, I’m serious” Clarke didn’t want to have that control over Lexa, it would not be fair. To just make Lexa feel like she should stay.

Lexa wanted to say it, say how much she feared that her time would be short with Clarke because of her cancer, and that she wanted to spend time with her. She never told her though, that wouldn’t be fair to Clarke. Clarke didn’t want Lexa to worry and didn’t want her to only be there because she felt like she had to. That would never be the case, but how do you tell that to a person, who’s friends only stuck around after she got sick because they felt bad for her? She enjoyed the time she had with Clarke, and she tried not to think about that someday that time might be over, but it wasn’t always easy. It was unavoidable, and she also felt like she had to the herself the favor and prepare herself for the worst. It was always in the back of her head, but she would never abandon Clarke. She wanted to make Clarke’s life better while making her own life better, at least temporarily.

“And besides that, I don’t want to be known in your friend group as the one who keeps you away from parties” Clarke kind of joked. “You are the captain of the girls’ soccer team, they expect you to be there”.

“But I will see you tomorrow” Lexa assured her.

“We will cure your hangover together”

“Yeah”

The hour went by fast and soon Lexa was out the door and Clarke found herself alone in the quiet house. She wanted to kiss Lexa before she left, but she didn’t have the courage. She turned off the tv and went to her art studio. As she entered the art studio, she felt her heart beat faster. It was such a contrast to how she felt when she entered the art studio before she began to spend time with Lexa. Usually it would almost stop beating, but this time she felt fuller of life and she was excited to paint. After spending time with Lexa, she found herself more often in the art studio and it was not all black and grey anymore. It was all green and brown and blue that melted together. It was the sky and earth meeting, it was tress and waves full of life and motion. There was no longer misery in her painting. Instead there were hope and life and something she couldn’t put into words.

 

 

* * *

 

 

Clarke was woken in the early night by her phone ringing. She was immediately awake as she saw who was calling her. It was Lexa, and Clarke was confused as to why she was calling while at the party, but she answered it.

“Hi”

“Hey, are you awake?” She melted at the sound of Lexa’s voice, it was soft and gentle.

“Yeah, I am now. Why are you calling? Are you okay?” Clarke asked concerned and a bit sleepy as she was starting to get to her senses after being woken up.

“I’m sorry if I woke you up” Lexa said “Yeah, I’m fine, the party is whack, so I’m coming to you now”

“Wait? What? Lexa it’s like 1 in the morning” Clarke said as she sat herself up and looked at her alarm clock beside her bed.

“I know, but I rather want to be with you” Lexa’s voice sounded different, and Clarke quickly realized it was because she was drunk.

“Lexa you are drunk, you shouldn’t be riding your motorcycle. You should stay.”

“But I’m walking, I’m on my way right now”

“Lexa” Clarke paused. She didn’t know what to say, she could say that Lexa was stupid and a dork, but she knew Lexa already knew that.

“Yeah?”

“Be careful then”

“I will, see you in 10” Lexa said as she hung up. Clarke had never experienced something like that. She didn’t believe someone would want to ditch a party to spend time with her in the middle of the night. She was more and more convinced that this wasn’t real life and she had somehow died without her realizing and was now in heaven or in an alternative universe or something like that. Before she could even process what had happened, she heard a knock on the door and went to open it. There she saw Lexa in a white dress shirt and suit pants that hugged her legs perfectly. She had her hair slung over her right shoulder and her eyes were glistening. She was breathtaking, that was all that Clarke could think of as she saw her.

“Hey” Lexa said with a both shy and confident smile as she entered the house.

“Hey there” Clarke said with a smile as she watched the brunette enter the house.

“I’m sorry for ruining your beauty sleep” Lexa said “Wait no, I’m not, you don’t need it”. Lexa said with a smirk as they made their way to Clarkes bedroom. Clarke just blushed. She hoped that it was Lexa talking and not only the alcohol in her system. Maybe it was just a drunk Lexa’s way of saying she was beautiful That was what Clarke stuck to. As they walked up the stairs and into her bedroom she felt Lexa slinging and having a hard time keeping her balance. She thought that maybe it was a good idea Lexa came here after all. She was sure Lexa would be safe, and she could sleep the alcohol out of the system.

“Woah, steady there Lexa, take it easy” Clarke said as she tried to still Lexa. “How did you even walk all the way here without falling?”

“I handle it well I guess” Lexa said as they stood in the bedroom. “But I might have hugged a bush or two” Lexa grinned.

“I think you should get some sleep, you are drunk”

“I can sleep when I’m death” Lexa said without thinking but she soon realized what she was saying. She was not going to talk about death with Clarke, they didn’t do that. “I’m sorry, I.. I’ts a thing you say” Lexa tried.

“I know” Clarke said as she gave Lexa a gentle smile “Don’t worry. How was the party?”.

“Oh, you know. Just the same old shit, same mindless chatter. Nothing new.”

“Sounds boring” Clarke said “I’ll get you a shirt and some shorts you can sleep in”. She said as she started to walk over to her wardrobe. Though something caught her wrist and it was Lexa and before she knew it she was pulled into Lexa and into a kiss. At first, she was caught by surprise but soon she melted into it and kissed Lexa back. Lexa’s lips were a little dry but soft and she tasted something on her lips. She couldn’t figure out if it was whiskey or brandy or something completely different. She could feel the eagerness from Lexa in the kiss. Calrke tried to keep it gentle but before she knew it, it became passionate and she felt hands on her hips that was heading down to squeeze her butt. She soon felt tongue and it all went too fast. Clarke put her hands on Lexa chest trying to push her away, though she only felt herself being pressed up against her wall.

“Lexa” She warned faintly as she felt lips on her neck and a hand finding it’s way under her shirt as she felt a leg press into her between her legs.

“Lexa” Clarke said more forceful but there was still no reaction from Lexa. “Lexa stop”. She tried and pushed her away. “LEXA” She almost screamed, and at that moment Lexa jumped away from Clarke and finally came to her senses and realized what she had done. She saw the chock in Clarke’s face and the tears starting to form in her eyes.

“I’m..I…” Lexa tried but she didn’t know what to say or do. She was chocked over her own actions. This wasn’t her. “I’m sorry. I don’t know what went over me” She said as she took a step closer to Clarke as if to hold her and tell her sorry.

“Lexa don’t” Clarke said as she backed away from Lexa. She didn’t expect this. Of course, she knew Lexa used to hook up with girls, that was her thing, but she didn’t expect the Lexa she knew to do this. Maybe she didn’t know Lexa, maybe she was not as special as she thought. Maybe Lexa just wanted a good lay, she just couldn’t believe it, this was not Lexa. Though from now, she didn’t want Lexa there, she wouldn’t look at her. It’s not that she didn’t want Lexa like that, the time was just not right, and Lexa was drunk and it didn’t feel right and she wasn’t ready.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to do this. I’m so so so sorry Clarke” Lexa tried.

“Just go Lexa”

“Please, don’t do that. You know this isn’t me”

“Just leave”

“But..” Lexa tried before she was interrupted “LEAVE, I SAID LEAVE” Clarke raised her voice slightly as to make a point to Lexa. Lexa wanted to stay and explain, but truth be told, she didn’t know what to say. She was just as blown back by her own actions and knew that if she stayed she would make it worse. Not only because Clarke was upset and needed her to leave but also because the alcohol in her blood wouldn’t do her any good. So she left with a knot in her stomach and she didn’t know what to do. She had messed up and now she was out on the street again and threw up as soon as she reached the end of the street. She felt sick, and at any time she would have blamed the alcohol, but at this moment it was her guilt that triggered it. She had never felt this guilty, she had never cared so much for a person that they were able to make her feel like this. She made her way home, trying to avoid falling into bushes and collapsed as soon as she found her bed. She stared at the ceiling and felt nothing and everything at the same time. Normally she wouldn’t let herself get so attached to someone that she would care for them in a way that could make her feel like this, but she realized that she couldn’t let what happened with Costia haunt her for the rest of her life. It was never her intention to hurt any of the girls she had hurt, she never got attached to them and she thought that they didn’t aswell. She didn’t want to hook up with a girl and then leave her for the next. Things had changed, and she needed to make up for what she had done.

 


	7. Hospital

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Another chapter is here! Let me know what you think in a comment, and if you have any requests about what you want to happen in the story, I will be happy to put them in consideration.  
> Enough for now, enjoy! :)

”I’m sorry that I left last night”

“I told you to leave” The blonde was cold, stone cold, and Lexa wanted to explain but feared the worst. “And I meant it”.

When Lexa had woken up that morning, she felt sick. It wasn’t because of the hangover, it was because she had done something bad, and the alcohol wasn’t only to blame. She had taken immediate action and made her way towards Clarke with her dads car.

“I have to explain” Lexa said as she still stood on the doorstep.

“What are you going to explain? There is no explaining. Let’s just face it, you are not made for normal emotional relationships, you are made for wild and lustful ones, and I don’t want to be another girl on the list” Clarke said, and Lexa felt a deeper and bigger knot in her stomach. She never meant to make Clarke feel like that.

“What happened was a mistake”

“Oh, so WE were a mistake?”

“No, what I did yesterday. I don’t know why I did it.” Lexa said before she continued. “Well maybe I know why. Because I like you a lot and I think you are stunning and funny, and I got carried away in the worst possible way. There is no way I can express how sorry I am, and how wrong I was by doing what I did last night. You have no idea how much I regret it.”

“And you can’t date a girl you like without jumping on her? Am I a part of some bet you are in? To get laid with a sick and dying girl? If that’s what it is, then I rather you get the fuck out now before I hurt you”

Truth be told, she could never hurt Lexa, even after what she did, and it would be completely justified, she just couldn’t. It scared her, because she knew Lexa was somewhat genuine when she said she was sorry, because why would she come back and apologize? She could have just abandoned her like everybody else did and move on to the next girl. Clarke liked to believe that this meant something, but she needed confirmation and she needed Lexa to explain even though she knew she were a goner for Lexa already.

“I’m so lucky that you already gave me a second chance, and maybe I’m not used to being in a relationship, it’s been a while since I have, but I am learning, and I am so truly sorry that you are getting hurt through my lessons. I just need you to know that I like you loads, and that I only wish the best for you” Lexa explained.

“How am I going to trust you?”

“I want to prove to you that I can and will do better, but I do understand if you don’t want to have me around you anymore, you deserve the best, and I so bad want to be the best for you, but I get it, I get life. Be honest with me, what do you want?”

“I don’t…” Clarke tried before she was interrupted.

“Tell me to leave and I will leave” Lexa said as she took a step back from Clarke as to prove her point and it almost gave Clarke a heart attack, because she didn’t want Lexa to leave.

“Lexa I…” Clarke said as she started to feel dizzy.

“Tell me to stay and I will stay” And just like that Clarke felt her legs give in and all she remembers was Lexa’s voice saying something she couldn’t quite place and strong arms catching her.

 

* * *

 

 

Never had Lexa driven that fast and that determined to reach the destination. She had Clarke on the passenger seat beside her, Clarkes head on the shoulder trying to keep the unconscious girl steady as she drove as fast and as reckless as needed to get Clarke to the hospital. Much of the ride was a blur.  
She didn’t have much faith in ambulances. She knew the hospital wasn’t very far from Clarke’s house, but she wouldn’t take the risk of losing Clarke for wasting time on calling the ambulance and the waiting for them to arrive. Lexa remembers years ago where one of her close friends was shot by a stray bullet on the street and she had called the ambulance, but they didn’t arrive fast enough for him to be saved. She had been putting pressure on the wound, she had tried to minimize the bleeding, she did everything she could, but she still damned herself to this day that she didn’t have a car, because that may have saved him. At least that’s what she believed.

As she reached the hospital she carried the unconscious girl bridal style through the door to the hospital and all she could do was scream help, and she felt like everything was going in slow motion as people doctors and nurses gathered around them and took Clarke onto a stretcher and was told to stay where she was as Clarke was moved away. Soon Clarke was out of sight and Lexa felt like she had gone deaf until she noticed a man trying to get her attention.

“What happened?” The man said “We need as many informations as possible to help her, do you understand me?” The man knew that Lexa was in schok after what had happened, but he needed the information. Lexa nodded.

“Where you with her when it happened”

“Yeah” Lexa said trying to gather her throughs and focus on the man in front of her. He asked a lot of questions for a short amount of time and she answered them as best as possible and was told to wait outside in the waiting room. He soon disappeared into the same room as Clarke, and she stood on the same spot for a good 5 minutes and just starred at the room, as if hoping Clarke would just casually walk out of the room as nothing happened, like it was all a joke and someone would come out with cameras and tell her she got pranked. She hoped for that as fucked up it would be. She just wanted Clarke to be okay, she didn’t know what this meant, she was told nothing until a few hours later.

She was sitting in the waiting room as the doctor she had talked to earlier came out and Lexa approached him immediately. She didn’t say anything, she just stared at him, waiting for news, good or bad.

“She is stable right now” Lexa was relieved.

“But her cancer is acting up and has taken a lot of her energy, so that’s why she collapsed”

“Will she be okay?”

“She will be getting the best treatment for now, and the only time will show”

“Can I see her? Is she awake?”

“Of course”

Lexa followed the doctor into a room where she soon saw Clarke laying in the bed, still a bit pale, but she looked better than a few hours ago. She just stood in the door opening as the doctor left to leave them alone. She soon felt blue eyes on her and she still didn’t say anything, she just stared at the small and weak yet strong figure in the hospital bed. Lexa never wished for this to happen. Lexa soon received a smile from the girl in the bed.

“Hi” Clarke said, still smiling. She was relieved to see Lexa, this meant something. Lexa didn’t move, she didn’t know what to say or do, she was so scared to do or say something wrong, and she had never felt like this and that also scared her to pieces. “Come in” Clarke continued, trying to get the girl to do something, to say something, to move even the slightest. And soon Lexa walked towards the bed and just stood before talking.

“I’m so sorry, I’m so sorry for everything. If I hadn’t put you through this, you wouldn’t have collapsed.”

“It was an easy way to get out of a confrontation huh? To make me collapse like this?” Clarke joked, but it was not a joke to Lexa.

“Don’t joke, it’s serious”

“Wow I don’t think I have seen you this serious, it’s cute”

“Why are you joking around?”

“When this has been my life for a long time, I must make fun of it sometimes, otherwise it’s the saddest shit in the world. And besides that, if you hadn’t put me through so many emotions, then I maybe wouldn’t have collapsed and not find out my cancer is acting up soon enough”

“So you just forgive me like that?”

“God yes, I could never be mad at you for too long, and you might have saved my life”

“I don’t…” Lexa started as she was interrupted by a loud voice soon entering the room.

“How am I first now informed that my daughter got into the hospital this morning?”

Lexa and Clarke both turned their gazes towards the woman entering the room. Lexa figured it must have been Clarkes mom, and she didn’t know how to react.

“Hi baby” Abby said as she approached Clarke.

“Hey mom, I’m okay” Clarke answered.

“I know, I’m so sorry I wasn’t there when it happened”

“It’s okay mom, Lexa was there” Clarke said as she referred to the girl standing awkwardly on the opposite side of the bed of where Abby was.

“Oh, I’m so sorry I didn’t see you, I was so caught up in seeing my daughter” Abby said as she approached Lexa. She gave Lexa her hand.

“It’s okay, Ms. Griffin, I understand” Lexa replied as she took Abby’s hand and shook it.

“Oh, just call me Abby, sweetheart” She said with a smile. “You where there when Clarke collapsed?”

“Yeah luckily”

“She saved me” Clarke gave Lexa a warm smile, and Lexa couldn’t help but smile as well. It gave her this warm feeling deep in her chest and she had never felt like that before but she liked it and wanted more of that feeling.

“Thank you very much, Lexa. It’s so nice to meet you”

“You too, Abby”

“So tell me, how do you two know each other?” She asked curiously, as she had never heard or seen Lexa before.

“From the support group” Lexa said. “My father runs it, and I was joining as a school project, and the rest is history I guess”

“That’s great. It’s good to know Clarke has you around, I wish I could be there always.”

“My pleasure” Lexa said. “Maybe I should leave, let you have some time alone”

“No. Please stay” Clarke said as if she was begging Lexa not to leave her, not like last night. She knew that if Lexa left she would be alone, because her mother could be called to surgery anytime, and she did, just as Clarke had said those words, her mom was called to surgery. Abby excused herself and kissed her daughter goodbye and soon disappeared.

 

 

* * *

 

 

It was starting to get dark outside and she was slowly getting used to the fuzz and smell of the hospital. Her father had called asking her about where she was and she didn’t want to lie but she did because he would never let her stay at the hospital with Clarke, he would be scared that she would do more damage than good. She told him that she was with her teammates and they were having a cook out and that it might be late. She has spent the day next to Clarke, they had talked, doctors and nurses came in out of the room doing checkups, looking at her numbers and what so ever. Her mother had come by a few times with food and drinks and waited for any news. They had watched football and Lexa had taught Clarke a lot about it, and Clarke promised to be at Lexa’s next game if she would be healthy enough for that.

“Of course you will be healthy enough” Lexa had replied.

“I hope” Clarke replied. “I’m so tired”

“Maybe you should sleep, it has been a long day”

“Will you leave?”

“If you want me to”

“I don’t”

They smiled to each other and soon Clarke took Lexa’s hand in hers as she sat in the chair next to Clarkes bed.

“This has been so nice” Clarke started. “Having you here, having someone to talk to and laugh with in this shitty situation. I’m usually alone”

“You mom seemed nice, I don’t understand how she could. When you first meet her she seems so motherly, like she would never leave your side, and then she just leaves.” Lexa said with a serious expression as she looked at Clarke. She didn’t understand how mother could leave her sick daughter alone.

“Lexa…”

“What if I wasn’t there?” Lexa interrupted.

“Then I probably wouldn’t have collapsed” Clarke joked yet again, but Lexa was still not having it.

“I’m being serious”

“Listen Lexa, if it wasn’t for her, then I wouldn’t be here today. She can pay for my treatment, so I don’t have to work and stress and get worse. Sure, sometimes I wish I had more time with her and maybe live a little shorter just to be with her. But the treatment might at some point help and I will have the rest of my life with her, and that’s the deal we made and sometimes I get mad at her and hate the deal, but trust me, she is the best mother you could wish for”

“I’m sorry” Lexa said. “I shouldn't have said anything and mind my own business”

“It’s okay, Lex. It means you care. I’m happy I have you right now”

“I won’t leave you”

“I know”

“Good” Lexa smiled.

“Have you ever been in love?” Clarke asked and Lexa was taken off guard with that question. Sure she liked Clarke, but were they really going to talk about love? Lexa concluded Clarke must just have been very tired and not really in full control of what she was saying.

“You are seriously tired, you should sleep” Lexa said confused with a small laugh. Clarke saw the confusion on Lexa’s face and decided to explain.

“No, like have you been in a relationship? I’m just curious. I want to learn more about you, understand you better. You are a puzzle sometimes” Clarke said giving Lexa a tired smile. Lexa decided that she should open up, because all that happened with her and Costia could possibly explain a lot about why Lexa was so hard to get to and had a hard time accepting her feelings. It was not all her lack of love from her mom that was the root of it all.

“I thought I was in love” Lexa thought hard about it. “I was so heartbroken when it ended, so I guess that I was in love” Lexa said.

“Tell me about it”

“What do you want to know?”

“Everything” Clarke said as she gave Lexa’s hand a soft squeeze.

“Well, I was with this girl for a year, and I was so in love with her, and for the first time in my life someone cared for me, at least I thought she did. I depended on her all the time, she was older than me and it was all so exciting and then she just broke it off and I was so heartbroken because I finally thought that I had found the one and felt love and had someone caring for me and suddenly it was just over and I was alone again and after that I haven’t let myself get attached to anyone, and that’s why I have been hooking up with girls. I wish it hadn’t had such a huge impact on how I see myself”

“I’m so sorry you had to go through that. Heartbreaks are always hard, but in your situation, it must have been worse.” Clarke said as she paused. “What was her name?”

“Her name was Costia. I just felt so hard to love. Everyone failed me, and that’s why I have had a hard time accepting my feelings for you, and let myself live and love”

“You have feelings for me?” Clarke asked. She knew that there was something special between them. They wouldn’t have gone through what they ad and not mean something. She just needed to hear it, she needed Lexa to say it, because that would be a big thing and a big step for Lexa, and that made Clarke feel like this was real.

“I’m just so sorry I put you through this, I really am. You don’t deserve someone acting like I did and someone that doesn’t show their affection to you, and I’m sorry I have treated you like that. The truth is I like you a lot, and I have had a hard time accepting and admitting that. I want to do better, for you”

“This means a lot Lexa” Clarke said as she motioned for Lexa to come closer. “Come here”

“What?”

“Just, come closer” Clarke said and soon Lexa moved closer to Clarke so that she could reach for Lexa’s neck as she dragged her into a deep and passionate kiss. “I like you a lot too” Clarke said as she pulled away from Lexa.

“God, It would have been embarrassing if you didn’t like me back” Lexa said with a nervous smirk as she learned back in the chair trying to take it all in. The girl in the bed, the kiss, the realization that she had just opened up to Clarke, and that Clarke liked her back.

“You’re a dork” Clarke chuckled. “Do you want to sleep here?” Clarke asked as she scooted over in the hospital bed to make room for Lexa. It was getting late, and Clarke didn’t have much energy left to stay awake, and she wanted to feel the warmth of Lexa.

“In your bed?” Lexa was confused.

“Yeah where else, dumbass?” Clarke said, enjoying the often confused girl. “As long as you don’t get any dirty thoughts”

“No promises” Lexa said with a smile as she laid herself next to the girl in the bed and soon felt an arm around her stomach and a head on her shoulder.

“That’s good enough for me” Clarke replied as she made herself comfortable on the taller girl, soon drifting off to sleep. She could get used to this position and this feeling. She felt like she was finally living, and she would try to chase the way this moment felt for the rest of her life. The warmth of the body next to her, the kind of safe feeling not even the hospital alone could make her feel.


End file.
